His friends and fans were curious about the mystery lady in his life, but Henry Wanyama was not letting anyone in on his treasured secret.
Last mothers’ day, on a special edition of his Kitchen Delight show hosted on NTV, he told his viewers he was cooking for the two special women in his life; his fiancée and his mother (RIP). While the latter appeared on the show, his fiancée who prefers a private life, was nowhere to be seen.
But Zaitun Buyinza could not hide her future husband from her parents, which is why she agreed to introduce the handsome chef in a lavish ceremony held at her family home in Bunga on November 28.
Wanyama, also a columnist with The Observer, wore a light blue jacket atop an off-white kanzu, accessorized with a big smile. Buyinza was beautiful in an orange gomesi coupled with a turquoise blue sash she later ditched for another black and red gomesi.
Unlike most women who go for Indian saris or the Kinyankore mushanana, Buyinza cut the cake dressed in a green and blue Nigerian-style kitenge accessorized with hot pink headgear. To Wanyama, one moment stood out during the ceremony. His father-in-law, Engineer Abby Kisubi, made soldiers open the car door for him on arrival.
“I was shocked and a bit intimidated, but I already knew the kind of family I was marrying into. Her father is a brother to Hon Rebecca Kadaga,” Wanyama says.
HOW THEY MET
Buyinza and Wanyama’s love story began fifteen years ago at Makerere University. Although they were only friends, the two kept a soft spot for each other. What would have been their first date in 2011 was ruined by the walk-to- work protests.
“She had taken me for lunch at a restaurant in town and out of the blue tear gas canisters were flying in the air. We had to abandon the food and run for safety,” Wanyama says.
It was earlier this year that Wanyama, who wanted to settle down, finally made his intentions known to Buyinza by proposing. She did not hesitate.
GYM BUDDIES WITH FATHER-IN-LAW
For many men, meeting your prospective father-in-law can be daunting and awkward. But that was not the case with Wanyama who was glad to find that his love’s father was the quiet gentleman he used to bump into at the Speke Resort Munyonyo gym, where he works out. The two immediately began discussing gym issues.
Wanyama and wife Buyinza pose for photos with Speaker Rebecca Kadaga
The gifts have been flowing in this relationship from day one. He one time bought her an elegant, expensive satin dress. She reciprocated by buying him a collection of clothes and shoes.
“I am so picky; so, someone who buys me a set of clothes that I actually like is definitely special and she is. When I am with her, I am so happy and free. We connect,” Wanyama, who is also renowned for interpreting Pastor Isaac Kiwewesi’s sermons, gushes.
He, however, says that the greatest gift Buyinza has given him has been introducing him to her parents on his birthday.
“I was so happy that she chose to take me to her parents on the same day I was brought into this land. It was the best birthday gift ever,” he says.
One of the biggest challenges of the day was Wanyama’s big entourage. While his in-laws had asked for 70 people, Wanyama was shocked to find more than 200 people at the meeting point.
Wanyama with part of his entourage
“They were so many but I could not chase them. I had no choice but to let them come. But my in-laws received us warmly,” he says.
Buyinza, a human resource assistant at the United Nations Regional Service Centre in Entebbe, says that Wanyama’s kitchen duties will end on TV.
“He is a chef on TV but at home I am the cook. He sometimes pokes his nose in my kitchen issues but I chase him. I am the better cook, anyway. A woman will always be better,” she firmly says.
The two are set to wed this month, just five days before Christmas day.
This article was originally done for the The Observer Newspaper
Gilbert Ochola was surrounded by sweaty, almost naked bodies of pregnant women he didn’t know, and the smell of stale blood was heavy in the air.
Though their deafening wails threatened to drive him insane, he was determined to witness the birth of his first-born daughter.
The 29-year-old accountant says that at that moment, for him it felt like he was being held hostage in a horror film from which he couldn’t get away. It wasn’t long before the appalling state of Mulago hospital’s general labour ward prompted him to call his sister to come to his help.
“It’s bad, very bad. I can’t go back again. I regret ever stepping there. It was stinky and congested and the sight of my girlfriend in so much pain that I had no control over, almost made me pass out. Why did I even go there?” wonders Ochola loudly.
The process of a woman playing her role to give life to another human being is a beautiful and miraculous thing, and many women yearn to experience it. Most excited fathers also want to be part of the process.
While women have nine months to mentally prepare for it, the reality of labour can come as a shock for many men. Many of those who witness childbirth bear scars from witnessing the gruesome process, thus prompting the debate on whether men should go into delivery rooms at all.
BRUTALLY HONEST WOMEN
Indeed, many a man will have harrowing tales of their experiences in the delivery rooms. Ayub Kisubi, a tour guide, says he will never forget the day his son was born.
The first-time parent thought it was going to be a momentous and emotional occasion and was already equipped with his camera, ready to take pictures of the moment the baby would leave its mother’s body. However, the torrent of insults from his wife shocked him so much that he abandoned the photography.
“She was blaming me for my having made her pregnant. She even abused me for my height, saying I was a short man and regretted having met me and other insults I can’t repeat,” he painfully recollects.
Though he understood that it was because she was in excruciating pain, he often wonders whether that is what she actually thinks of him.
“They say the most honest men are those who are drunk. But I will add that the most honest women are those in labour. They are brutal!” he declares.
However, not all men are brave enough to go into the delivery theatres. Some will even go to their workplaces, pretending it is business as usual, just to escape the fear and anxiety that comes with the knowledge that there is a possibility the woman they love, and their unborn baby, could die in the process.
Moses Kabuye, a graphics designer, says the day his son was born, he was deeply buried in his work, trying to block out the very thought.
Some women, on the other hand, say that men do not understand how complicated and painful childbirth is. They think it is simply about pushing and the baby pops out. They do not know that one has to wait until she is fully dilated for the pushing to start.
“I will not let my husband come into the theatre for my next children. The time I let him, he wasn’t understanding; yet I was in so much pain. I remember him shouting at one point: ‘You’re not trying hard enough!’ If I had the strength at that moment I would have slapped him,” says Margaret Nakanjako.
Robert Mukisa, a secondary school teacher, advises that men should accompany their partners whenever they are going to deliver because they need emotional support. They, however, shouldn’t see the process of delivery because of the repercussions that come with it.
During the birth of his son, he took refuge behind a curtain and whispered words of encouragement to his girlfriend to push, despite her screaming. He even promised to buy her a car, just to motivate her into pushing.
“I did not want to see because I did not want to be disappointed. At least hearing my voice made her feel my presence. Men should go into the theatre but they should not be tempted to see the act because it is very traumatizing. It is not a pretty sight,” he warns.
Mukisa argues that the ideal birth environment shouldn’t generally involve men. He believes this is because the presence of a man tenses up the woman who is at most times aware that she doesn’t look good during that time.
“For men to witness the process also discourages women from pushing. It scares them and makes them feel ashamed of themselves. They know they do not look great, so seeing her in that state could even lead her to fail in pushing, which would cause further complications,” he reasons.
REDUCED SEXUAL ATTRACTION
Most men will be quick to say that witnessing childbirth could easily ruin the sexual attraction between couples, resulting in them becoming just good friends, instead. They may look at each other as friends who went through a troublesome experience together. This could even lead to divorce in the long run.
A recent study conducted by researchers at Oxford University revealed that men have been left mentally scarred – even suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in extreme cases – after watching their partners go through a difficult childbirth.
“It is a very traumatizing experience. That is when you realize that the sexual organs are actually meant for reproduction, and not pleasure like most childless men think. The image of the blood and discharge still runs through my mind,” says Ochola.
He adds that sex was not fun for him for about two years after the experience, because he kept thinking he was hurting her every time they tried. Comedian Patrick ‘Salvador’ Idringi one time confessed that he regretted having gone into the delivery room.
“I went while dying to hold my baby but I now regret that decision. The moment I looked at the place where the baby had come from, I had to shake my head. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. I looked again, but the picture hadn’t changed. I wondered how I was going to go back in there,” he says.
PROFESSIONAL ADVICE
Patrick Mwase, a psychologist at Makerere University, also advises that men should not witness childbirth, but they should be nearby because it is a sign of love.
“If labour is not progressing well, it becomes a very traumatic experience for the man. It is very stressing. Men get scared and panic which could also cause the woman to panic,” he advises.
He says men should accompany their partners when going for antenatal visits and classes so as to avoid panic attacks when the woman is in labour.
“Most men who overreact or get scared are those who just go into the labour theatre without prior mental preparation. This can be worked on by a simple antenatal visit where they can talk to a gynecologist or doctor so they know what will happen. Then they can decide whether they want to be part of it. It should be an individual decision. No man should be forced into being present,” suggests Mwase.
He says it is tough, especially for new fathers, who then go through emotional turmoil before and after their child’s birth. However, Agnes Kasaigi, a midwife at Buwenge hospital in Jinja, disagrees. She believes men should be there to witness the whole thing.
“I love seeing men in labour rooms because there are some mothers who can’t push unless their husbands are around. She cries and he assures her that everything is going to be okay. She needs comfort because that child is a result of two people coming together; so, it is his responsibility too,” Kasaigi points out.
She argues that men are also very helpful in the process. Apart from paying the bills, they also help with the small details such as passing on the tools to the midwives and keeping track of the baby. She, however, says men who don’t think they would be able to handle should not go into the delivery room.
Echoing Mwase’s thoughts, Kasaigi says men who dodge antenatal visits are the ones who get scared of childbirth the most.
“There is nothing that can scare you or shock you if you’ve already been briefed on what to expect,” she says.
Kasaigi adds that in the past, midwives would never let men into labour rooms, but the story is changing today as more and more men want to witness the births of their children.
Kenneth Mawa is one of those men who advocates men witnessing this magical moment. He says the day his daughter was born was the happiest of his life.
“It was an amazing experience. I heard my child cry for the first time, just after he was born. My wife and I are stronger for having been through such a shared experience. She said it made her feel loved and safe. If a man can’t accompany you into the delivery room, then it shows that he will only love you during happy times,” reasons Mawa.
Kwanjula should be about two families agreeing to become one
The spokesman (mwogezi) invited Annet’s ssenga (paternal aunt) to greet the guests at an introduction ceremony (kwanjula).
The guests held their breaths for the powerful woman that had groomed the day’s bride. To their dismay, a frumpy, elderly woman in a tattered gomesi with a stained blue wrap showed up.
With a soiled sack flung over her shoulder and a hoe in her hands, she looked to be on her way from the garden and had only chanced upon these smart people at Kira country resort, a high-end recreational centre in Wakiso district. They were even more confused when she sat down to greet them. Calm was only restored when they realised the hosts’ spokesman seemed to know her.
“Ssenga, thank you for tending the garden, but we have visitors who claim you know one of them,” he said.
She said she, indeed, knew them but would disclose how, at a later stage. The groom’s spokesman handed her an envelope that contained “transport” and she left, dancing to Irene Namatovu’s Okuzaala Kujagaana. Guests were still confused.
Unknown to them was the fact that the ‘old woman’ was just another Kampala hustler looking for her daily bread, performing such skits at introduction ceremonies. It was only after a light-skinned and resplendently-dressed woman announced she was the rightful ssenga that guests finally understood the first woman was just a jester.
Hers was a rehearsed gimmick employed to make introduction ceremonies more lively. If you have attended a kwanjula in recent years or watched one on TV, you will agree the concept is rapidly evolving.
One could argue that besides the original intentions – of introducing one’s intended husband to one’s parents and seeking family approval – grooms are using these functions to show financial muscle.
Where in the past this was a nail-bitingly harsh occasion, where a man could actually be rejected, emphasis is now being put more on entertainment and how much the couple spends.
Even the cultural norms and values are being disregarded in light of modernity, given that some couples now cohabit for decades, before thinking about this important Buganda marriage custom. So, unsurprisingly, when the kwanjula eventually happens, it is more entertainment than anything else.
So much so that even in other cultures outside Buganda, similar functions such as Ankole’s kuhingira are importing the entertainment aspects from this diluted kwanjula culture.
HOTEL GARDENS
Unlike in the past when this was a moment of pride for the girl’s family to welcome in-laws into their home, today, these ceremonies are held in school compounds and hotel gardens by girls not too proud of their family homesteads and dynamics.
But James Kisekka, who met his wife’s family in a kwanjula at Romu Gardens hotel in Namugongo, defends his choice of venue, saying it was all about cost-cutting.
“My wife’s family home is very far. I could not transport all my people and the gifts there,” he explains.
But the older generation is not impressed with this liberal way of handling centuries-old culture. Sarah Waweyo, a secondary school teacher, has been watching the trend with worry.
“Kwanjula is supposed to be in the woman’s home so everyone comes and sees the kind of family they are marrying into,” she says. “If it is held in a hotel, the man can even be deceived. A lady can have many kwanjulas and the parents might not mind taking people’s things because the ceremony is not done in their home. The man might not even hear any rumours about the girl because it’s not her village.”
Waweyo argues new twists and requirements have given a whole new look and approach to the once simple ceremony.
“People are spending money right from the preparatory stages. This is because they do not know simple things like writing a letter in flawless Luganda to the elders. Those who know how to do it have turned their skill into a money-making venture. The brother-in-law (muko) nowadays can even be given a bicycle or motorcycle. These cost way more than the traditional rooster,” complains Chrysostom Luwaga, a 30-year-old land surveyor. There have been ridiculous cases of keeping up appearances, such as the kwanjula where a radio personality’s rich father-in-law insisted on lending him a truckful of cows to bring back the following day, just to leave the ‘right impression’ with his affluent guests.
On the day of the kwanjula, guests chuckled to themselves when the Fuso truck arrived with the cows and the animals seemed to know exactly where the kraal was, as they disembarked!
Some grooms are known to rent contents of a shop, say in Kikuubo lane, just to impress onlookers. After a long day, the hired things are returned to their shelves, just as many of the cars given as gifts mysteriously find their way back to auto dealers’ yards days after the function.
But there are other trends that must be causing Ganda ancestors to turn in their graves.
INTRODUCING PHOTOS
One of the most drastic changes is the boldness of some women who simply show their parents pictures of their men.
In 2010, dancehall singer Bella shocked the country when she introduced a picture of her fiancé to her parents on her kwanjula. She explained that her UK-based man, Ben Israel, could not make it to the ceremony. What was more surprising was that the ceremony actually went on successfully.
SPOKESMEN FOR HIRE
At a kwanjula, the two spokesmen (abogezi) acting as emissaries engage in a war of words, spiced with jokes, Buganda riddles and proverbs. So common is this trend that most young people do not know that the spokesperson is traditionally supposed to be a relative, knowledgeable about the family background, and the cultural norms and traditions.
Well, these were the first people to be commercialised – so much so that they now have an association. Ssewannonda Kasozi, a mwogezi who has been in the business since 1985 says he charges from Shs 500,000 to Shs 1m.
Its now all about fashion
Francis Peter Ojedde, the executive director at Uganda National Cultural Centre, is one of the people irked by the trend of hiring spokesmen.
“I see no problem with having my uncle talk on my behalf or my sister’s than to hire somebody who does not even know us. Sometimes these bogezi even make mistakes,” he says.
However, with modernity, it is also not easy to find an uncle who knows the kwanjula culture enough to guide the function. For it is more than an MC job.
HIRING SSENGAS
But hiring a ssenga for the introduction ceremony? The ssenga’s role is central in a Kiganda marriage ceremony and many Baganda women yearn to perform the honours for their nieces.
Kavuma-Kaggwa, an elder from Kyaggwe, Mukono district, says: “Every Muganda girl was trained on how to be a good wife by her ssenga. She was discouraged from engaging in activities that could tarnish her image as a suitable wife, for example playing with boys and climbing trees. She was jealously protected by her family because they did not want her to shame them.”
However, with today’s broken families, many girls do not even know who their ssengas are, let alone have a relationship with them. Grace Naula, a 24-year-old Uganda Christian University student pursuing a bachelor of nursing science, echoes the thoughts of many young women.
A Ssenga receives a groom during a ceremony
“I actually don’t know who my ssenga is. Aren’t all my aunties ssengas?” she asks, before I inform her a ssenga is her father’s sister.
She responds: “I am not sure I even have one I know of. I will choose her when it is time for me to introduce. I don’t know that stuff because no one talks about it.”
Waweyo says people are simply hiring good-looking women because they want to look classy.
“These young girls think if someone is light-skinned with big bums then they can make a very good ssenga. It’s supposed to be someone who has been grooming her but these days there are no people to do that,” she says.
And that is not mentioning all the dancing and paka chini happening at today’s kwanjula (much of it done by the groom, who traditionally hardly uttered a word during the function); the entire chicken coop now delivered instead of the lone muko’s chicken; the mothers of the brides increasingly taking centre stage instead of staying out of sight; or the extravagant gifts ranging from sofa sets to trucks.
Ojedde blames this on the change in generations and laxity of the older generation in imparting cultural norms and values among the youth.
“We have people who do not even know their villages and cannot speak their languages,” he says.
He adds that the new generation looks at kwanjula as just any other ceremony.
“It is no longer organized to satisfy the aims and objectives of the original kwanjula,” he says.
UNSTABLE FAMILIES
Ojedde wants people to go back to the traditional way of doing things. Augustine Ssekibuule, a marriage counsellor at Holy Trinity church, Kamwokya, warns there are higher rates of unstable marriages today because of the diminishing role of the ssenga.
“According to our tradition, when girls visit their ssengas, they learn by example. A ssenga is supposed to protect her brother’s daughter. She is supposed to protect her virginity until marriage. At introduction, the ssenga comes to witness the marriage of the girl that she has nurtured and whose virginity she has protected. But today you find very few women who wed when they are still virgins. In fact they are no longer there,” he says.
“Hiring ssengas also destabilizes marriage. In case of problems in the marriage, both husband and wife will have no one to turn to for advice.”
“All this flamboyance scares off young men who have not yet married. Seeing somebody bring a car, solar panels, dining table or gifts that fill up the whole compound scares you,” says Waweyo.
CONFESSIONS256 